Lately, I’ve been wondering if I’ve truly learned how to love deeply in my life – throughout my life – in my childhood. There are times, lately, when I feel numb. This could just be because I’m bombarded with physical stimuli these days, with three small kids at home, but it also makes me wonder if perhaps I’m out of touch with my emotions somehow – if maybe I never really learned how to let go, trust, and deeply love.
I just wonder.
I grew up in a fast paced home – people were busy rushing here, there, and everywhere with meetings, work, friends, music festivals, sports games, and on and on and on. There were times of rest, during the typical summertime cabin vacations, but my memories are vague for the rest of the year. It just makes me wonder if I had time to stop and allow myself to deeply love, to deeply trust and thus experience and know true freedom and joy. If one can’t trust, then one can’t let go enough to experience joy or ease. If one always needs to be somewhere, be something, do something, achieve something, then one can never rest, be at peace, allow for love, allow for joy.
And now I have children of my own.
I fear that I’m hurried, ‘busy’, quick, impatient, and over-scheduled with them now too. I’ve never learned true rest and so I struggle to implement it in my own family. My husband is very much the same. We’re overachievers and overachieving can be such a stumbling block to resting, being at peace, knowing how to trust.
So what’s one to do?
Have grace for oneself I suppose. That’s the starting point. And then try to be present, conscious, and open – to combat the frantic voices in one’s head. Try to restructure, be open to creative change, try new things.
What’s one to do?